Summer With The Cousins

Summer is great so far!!!
Cousins and relatives from LA and family gatherings!

CURRENT WEIGHT: 115 LBs

wanna know my secret?

exercise regimen

daily exercise is a must for me. if i wanna go down from 117.
i was 116 for one day and i binged from happiness, ahahaha.

drinking plenty of tea and exercising daily is the key ;)

update on weight loss

yay guys! i'm down to 117!! weeee!! it's so surprising because it's summertime! but i guess it's all good, right? :D

dyeing my hair

i really wanna dye my hair. i've actually never done it before because Kevin said he liked black hair, but now i really want a change. i'm gonna make it light brown. we'll see how it goes :)


this is my natural hair right now under lighting.
it's a little bit brown, but i want light brown :D

Black Red and White Hearts Nail Art

Hey guys! so recently i just did my nails :D they're my favorite design so far. My second favorite is my turquoise design. Here are pictures :3


This is my favorite :)



This is the runner up ^^
Which do you like better? haha

YOUTUBE :) and dinner :D

Yesterday i went and bought myself a webcam to make youtube videos with :) It's actually really fun despite the awkwardness of talking to a camera :D my youtube account is cindymuffinbear so check me out there sometimes :3

Also, today i had a wonderful time with some of my family at a sushi buffet. My boyfriend came too and even though we argue a lot, we cant live without each other. It's like the beginning of PS i love you where gerard butler and Hilary Swank argue but make up right away.

OOOhhh and i made fried rice for the first time in my life! It came out fantastic!! But of course, i was clumsy and dropped an egg or two on the ground (darn).

Weight Issues

So ever since i was 10 years old, i always realized that i was chubbier than most of the other asian girls that surrounded me. They never saw me as that, but i always did. I am heavier than most asian girls (who are extremely thin) and it has always made me dislike my body.

Thus, i have been trying to lose weight for the longest time. The heaviest i have ever been was 133 pounds at the height of 5' 2". I tried many things such as just drinking water and eating very little. I've signed up for a gym membership at 24 hour fitness as well.

I successfully came down to 125 lbs at the age of 15 (which was my freshman year at highschool), and although i was at a healthy weight according to the BMI calculator, i still wasn't satisfied. I still am not.

As of today at this time, i weigh 118.2 lbs. I am extremely happy. I went from 125 to 121 from the gym, then it sort of stopped. Now that i'm on summer vacation, i get sucked into the internet and electronics and i forget to eat. I'm distracted and only eat when i need to opposed to when i was at school and always ate at a set schedule.

Anyway folks, at 118.2 lbs, my current BMI is 21.6 i believe. Keep rooting for me ;)
GOAL WEIGHT: 105-110

new idea

Okay. So last night, i came up with a new idea. This started off with me regretting my chance to model, then jealousy, then this fabulous idea. I'm going to start my own online store/website with me being the site model. I know it sounds nuts, but i'm gonna do it.

In details, I had the chance to do modeling with a company called Barbizon, but due to transportation issues and long commute, i wasn't able to do it. Then my boyfriend Kevin's dad asked me to model for his online website Asian Food Grocer, i wanted to, but once again, i wasn't able to. Now, i want to be a site model, but not just for any site that wants me to model, so i thought of making my own website and being the model for it along with some other models :D

Kevin actually wants to be a part of this. He's gonna do the legal stuff, the website, and i'm gonna deal with publicity, products, orders, making the site look good, etc. I wanna start off by selling clothing and accessories as well as beauty products. Then eventually we can expand things.

It's gonna take a while to start up, so stick around!!

work :)

So the past two days i've been working at kevin's dad's company CTC. They're an import company that brings asian foods into the US. I'm just gonna be there for about two weeks with kevin because it's for experience (though i do get paid).

I wake up at about 5-5:30 in the mornings and get ready by 6:15. My actual hours are from 8:00 am to 2:00 pm, but Kevin's dad is boss and needs to get there early to open the doors.

All i'm really doing is scanning items and putting them in the database. It's really not hard and time passes really quickly. People there are extremely nice! :3

Tomorrow i'm making a lunch for kevin and me. I really hope it doesn't turn out bad because i cant cook. Last time i made scrambled eggs for kevin, he said it wasn't good so i added soy sauce and he wouldn't even finish it :( i love him though <3

Online website for CTC is Asian Food Grocers. It's wholesale!! :D

Halo 3 and a great date.

Today i didn't see kevin for long (just about 2 minutes) and only because he was dropping off my pink xbox 360 controller <3 and some rabbit food. So i spent the day playing Harvest Moon on my DSi and Halo on my elite. Then had dinner at my grandma's where everyone complimented me on being a bit skinnier than usual. haha.

What i really wanted to talk about was my day yesterday. Kevin was so nice again. I think he's really great these days. He took me to so many places:

1. Sunflower Bakery (got caramel cupcakes, yum)
2. Walmart (black eyeliner, babywipes)
3. Wet Pets (rabbit food)
4. Raley's (father's day cards, clam chowder)
5. Hercules Public Library
6. Coffee Shop (thai tea boba)
7. Public Park (pull up bars sooooooo fun)

And afterwards we went to King Valley Chinese Restaurant where we met up with my family to have an early Father's Day dinner. It was great. We did so many things i never thought he'd take me to do. I love him so much...

I'm still a little hurt from the Situation. It'll take a while to go away. I dont know how long, but i hope it hurries. Kevin deserves better.

Confusion

So.. last night when me and kevin talked, he had a confession. He told me the reason why he didn't want me to see his phone and everything that he hid from me that involved him and Kathlyn.. I cried for a while, then went numb and couldn't sleep the whole night.

When i woke up, Kevin came to get me so we could go to temple. I was extremely tired and unhappy. But he surprised me. He got out a bag of beef jerky (yumm) haha, and i was shocked and happy. Then he further surprised me and said i could choose from two options:

1. Go to my house and rent a bunch of movies and relax.
2. Go out to a mystery place and trust him.

Of course i chose the mystery place. He said he knew i liked surprises. I didn't really have very high expectations for this in the beginning, but he told me that we would get changed after temple really quick and then head to the SF ZOO!!! After the zoo closed, we'd have dinner and go home.

He knows i love animals and going to the zoo. I didn't say anything and immediately started tearing up. It was the greatest surprise ever. It made me forget the conversation from last night for a while. Then after the temple session was over, i was really really tired. During the chanting and praying, i'd remembered all the things he said about him and Kathlyn, and i felt bad again. I didn't wanna go to the zoo anymore. I wanted to stay home and cuddle and have him make me feel like he really does love me.

So after temple, we went to the bank and Blockbuster. We rented a horror flick and a UCF or UCS (something along the lines of that) fighting movie. At my house, there were extreme mixed emotions. I was happy, sad, angry, all in one day.

Kevin and i argued, but we resolved the problem. He told Kathlyn that he had a girlfriend and that the girlfriend was the girl that worked at the cash register at fanime. Kathlyn took it extremely well.

I actually feel quite bad for her because she was innocent. She didn't know that he had a girlfriend, but kevin lead her on. I'm still glad he did what he did though. But there was a point where he really did like her. So much that i feel like maybe we should break up and the two of them should get together. I'm so hurt. It's not that he's not treating me well, but it's the fact that he did, in fact, like another girl. I wish i wasn't so confused as for what to do...

Kevin's Graduation, Future In-Laws, and Car Accident

Today was Kevin's highschool graduation. Class of 2010. Wooo! :D It was a hot day and extremely sunny. I went with his family and when we saw him from the bleachers, we were all so proud. I got up and cheered for him and waved from afar like a crazy lady. ahaha. I love him. I hate being out in the sun though. I burn really easily. My arms get really tan, but my back, shoulders and chest area get red. That's what happened. I got sunburned so badly and it hurts when i shower :(



When we went home, kevin was EXTREMELY nice and took me to get My Bloody Valentine. While we were there, we stocked up on junk food (I know i know, i should lay off of it). It was great.

Then at dinner, we had a loooonnnggg talk with his mom after his dad went upstairs and she let me know how much his dad liked me and how he wanted to talk to my parents about me and kevin getting married!!! X3 To be honest, i'd love that. I love kevin more than anyone in the world. If i didn't, i wouldn't have been able to put up with him these past three years. I get mad sometimes and i guess i say things that i wouldn't be able to do. a.k.a break up.

It was all great today until i got home and my dad called saying that he got hit on the way to work. My dad works graveyard shift so it happened at night. The guy pretty much drove off and now the car's hurt and we have to find some cash to fix it :( My dad is fine though, thank goodness.

My parents were planning on getting me the iPhone 4 since my 3GS got stolen, but i can buy it with my own money. It's fine. I'd rather give them my money to help fix the car, but they wont accept it.

So all in all, my day is about 7/10. It would be 9.5/10 if not for the car accident.

Nachos and Splice

So this morning started off bad. Kevin and i were debating on who should go to who's house. We hadn't seen each other in several days and i really wanted to see him despite the fact that i was mad. We ended up compromising and went out on a date. In fact, we even fought about that for a while; arguing about where to go and what we'd do.

In the end, we settled on watching a movie. We saw Splice, and to be honest, that is one of the most ****ed up movie ever. It was totally twisted and the turns were gross. There was even incest and it was just mindblowing and sick. Who knew they still made movies like that these days.

We got over our differences and after almost three weeks of arguing, we finally are ok again it seems. I'm more happy now that i have been in a while. He bought me two pairs of sandals and himself one, we got a cheese hot dog from auntie annies, and i bought the food while he got the tickets for the movie. I always get this giant nacho thing and he got popcorn. I dont like popcorn, but he doesn't like my nachos very much either (or so he says everytime he gobbles it down). I've learned to forgive the love of my life. nomnomnom. nachos.

about that relationship problem..

So it seems like trust is a big issue for me.

When i first started dating my boyfriend K, he was funny, extremely social, and open about me hanging out with my girls and friends. At least for the first several months. Slowly he started becoming a dictator and i couldn't believe that this was happening. My mind chose to push that fact away (i believe i already loved him at that point in time) and we continued our relationship. Continuity brought about new rules.

1. No talking to guys. Even if they're my friends.
2. No going anywhere without him. Even my girls.
3. Listen to him because he is the man.

These three things then were interconnected with everything else and i was changed from an independent, strong, young woman into a spineless little twit. I always asked for permission to do things and when i broke a rule, there were consequences. But i bore the burdens and assimilated.

K became my everything. My best friend, my partner, my parent. My friends became annoyed and my social life seemed to go down the drain. It isn't all bad though, because i now know who will stick by me and who wont. Anyway, K was my everything. I relied on him for anything that took place and began pestering him when i wanted attention. That is a result of an attention-deprived girl who has only one person to go to.

You have now heard part one of the problem (which includes many other sub-categories of issues within). Now for part two.

Recently, an episode occured where my trust for him was broken. He is able to talk to girls because i do not have the heart (or mind) to deprive him of friends. He believes it is his right to be able to socialize with whomever because he produces more testosterone. Therefore, he has many friends (majority of which, are females) and i bear the unfairness and unjustness that came before me.

Two weeks ago, we had a part time job together and he got some girls' numbers after i ignored him. I ignored him because i didn't want people to believe i was not serious about working. He obviously took things the wrong way and didn't even have the heart to give me the benefit of doubt. The day after i ignored him, he ignored me and began chatting up girls. It was good for business, yes, but good for the girlfriend, no. Of course, i was heartbroken. I hadn't gotten a single male's number other than K. And he seemed so happy talking to them and not me.

Not only that, but he ignored all my calls for a week. I thought he was just ignoring me, but no. It's because he was calling another girl. While i cried in bed at night, he was having fun talking to another female. It was a real punch to the gut.

As a result of that, i do not trust him. He's upset that i dont. I find it weird that he expects me to trust him after that episode. And he wont let me know what they said either so what part of him should i trust? One thing i know for sure. He never let the girl know i was his girlfriend. He referred to me as the girl he used to ****.

Now, we're supposed to be past this, and i forgave him despite suspicions that they still talk (because he doesn't answer his phone at nights anymore). But he's making everything more and more complicated. He says i have to respect him and that i need to treat him better or he'll leave me. I dont believe i have done anything wrong in this situation, yet according to him i have. I'll admit, i have a temper and when it comes out, it comes out. Yet i believe he is the root of the problem. Maybe i'm wrong.

And the reasons why i'm upset at him talking to her are:

1. He ignores me to talk to her
2. He wont tell me what they talk about
3. He's the only one i have. He's made sure of that.

We're both extremely stubborn, so this will either take a while to fix, or fall apart all together. At this point, whether we fall apart or not, I'm exhausted. I've worked so hard to keep this relationship going. I've sacraficed more than one believes i'm capable of sacraficing, and i've got nothing left to give.

He has tried to fix things. He took me out and was extremely kind for a day and i was truly happy. I believed that maybe things could be right again. But the very next day, he was back to being his normal lazy self. And he'd say, "after what i did for you yesterday, you cant even ...."

It is all up to him now, whether we stay together or not. Time will tell.

June 10th, 2010 -- Last Day of Sophomore Year.

So today was the last day of my sophomore year in highschool. To be honest, it wasn't really emotional, but when the bell rang for the end of school, my friends and i looked at each other like :D and we felt the reality of becomming a junior. Now we're really considered upperclassmen and it feels great! i love it! Junior year is going to be my most busy year and i'm not exactly looking forward to it, but it's another milestone and i'm sure to do great.

As of right now, i'm having a rough time dealing with my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together for three years now and just celebrated our third year anniversary on May 25th. He will be going to college in the fall and recently i've been having trust issues. Maybe it's time to let go. I've worked hard to make this relationship work and it really seems like such a waste. I love him so much, but i feel like he doesn't love me anymore. It's starting to tire me out and i'm really stressed a lot of the time. I'm tired of trying to make things work and i'm ready to let go. I'm sure he has a side of his story to tell, so don't hate him. After all, i still love him..